Sweet Questions

     I love being a mom. I don’t think that there is a stage that I haven’t enjoyed yet, I even liked the pregnancy part and now that I’m pregnant with number two I’m enjoying it all over again (despite the usual discomforts and annoyances). I have to say though that the questions and comments coming from Leighton at 29 months make my heart smile.

     A few weeks ago we were working on teaching him to sing “Away In A Manger” for the church kids singing program. We got to the part that goes “no crib for a bed” and Leighton seemed quite disturbed by this. He asked “No crib for a bed?” And I explained that baby Jesus didn’t have a bed because He was born in a stable and he had to sleep in a manger where the animals were.  I got out his Jesus Storybook Bible and found the story about Jesus’ birth. We read it and got to the part of Jesus sleeping in a manger. The picture that goes with the story is one looking down on Jesus sleeping in the manger with all the animals looking in over Him. He looked at that and then said “no bed for Jesus” and I said, “that’s right, there was no bed for Jesus”. He then took the book and leaving it open to that page placed it in his bed and looked at me and said “bed for Jesus”. And so every night for a couple of weeks, we had to find the Jesus manger picture as he called it and put it in bed with him. An hour or two after he went to bed each night we would hear the book crash off the side of his bed, but at least for a little bit each night Jesus had a bed to sleep in.

     At almost 2 ½ he is full of questions and loves to talk. Car rides are full of conversation, even if it is answering for the 15^th time where Daisy (our cocker spaniel) is currently at (the answer is usually home). The other night we were getting ready to “pray, sing, go to sleep” as he has called his night-time routine, when he looked at me and said “Where is Jesus?” My mind rushed to figure out how to answer such a simple and yet complex question in a way that he would understand. I finally said “Leighton, Jesus can be everywhere but Jesus wants to live in Leighton’s heart and help Leighton know what to do and always be there for Leighton”. I was pretty proud of my answer and thought I had done a good job of explaining basic theology to him. My esteem was soon crushed when he looked back at me and said “Jesus in books”. I smiled and said “That’s right Leighton, Jesus is in some of the books that we read”. Oh well, so much for a good teaching moment. We went through the routine of praying and singing, and just as I was finishing rubbing his back and singing, “Jesus Loves Me”, he turned his head to me and softly said, “Jesus in heart”. I bent low to kiss him as my heart smiled in joy.  

     I’ve included some photos of him making his ginger bread house and our first adventure at snow shoeing with him. It was super cold and windy that day, and we only made it a little over an hour, but he was a trooper and it was a good start of future adventures.

Yogurt, Rain,and Prairie Dogs

          A couple of Sundays ago we did something that we don’t usually do, we decided to skip dinner and go get frozen yogurt for dinner. We headed off with the stroller and walked up the path and then headed into town. It was a beautiful late summer evening and there were a few clouds in the sky as we left.

          After eating some frozen yogurt and sitting outside and enjoying the evening, we realized that those few clouds had gathered to be quite a few more. We decided to start heading for home. However in his true 2 year old fashion of wanting to be a big boy, Leighton decided that he didn’t want to ride in the stroller but wanted to walk home. And so we started off, Clint with Daisy dog and me pushing the stroller with one hand and holding Leighton’s with my other hand.

          Leighton however didn’t want to walk straight home, the world has far too many interesting things to stop and explore along the ½ mile walk home. And so even before we had gotten out of the parking lot he had jumped off every curve that he could find, and before he had jumped off his 5^th or 6^th one we started to feel some sprinkles from the clouds above. At first I wanted to get home before the clouds really opened up and poured rain down on us, but as I watched him bend over to pick up a rock and put it in his pocket I realized that he could care less about the rain, the weather was warm, and what was a little rain going to hurt?

          And so we continued on home. Along the way we stopped and found all sorts of different rocks to put in pockets and for mommy to hold, we found “big” rocks to climb up on, we found a grass hill to run down. Through it all the rain kept coming. And Leighton was having the time of his life. He chased grasshoppers and would make them jump and then giggle with delight. We got to a big field north of our neighborhood that is covered with prairie dog homes, and Leighton had to look down each hole and say
“prairie dog sleeping” and then run up to the next hole.

          We eventually made it home, soaked to the bone, but happy. As I got him ready for bed that night and he looked out the window in his room and pointed to the field we had walked through and whispered “prairie dogs sleeping” I was reminded that we all need Sunday evening walks where the pace of life slows down, where you get to explore and discover this great big world around us, and you don’t care if you get wet in the process. It won’t be too long before the cares of this world will overtake his innocent joy, and I pray that I will not rush that process with my own agenda or comforts. I pray that along the way I will gain some of that innocent joy back too.

Small Prayers

          It’s been a couple of crazy weeks between moving, working, and Clint starting classes this past week. I think we are settling into a routine though and most everything is unpacked and put away.

          Since Leighton was first born and spent that first night in the NICU, we have made it a habit of praying with him. Early on he didn’t know what we were doing, but in the last few months he knows the routine and after the last book folds his hands together and says “Pray”. In the last couple of weeks he has begun saying “Leighton pray” and he will repeat after one of us as we pray aloud. It is super sweet and melts my heart as I hear his little voice talk to the Father above.

          Last week, on Monday evening my brother came over to help move some dirt for a patio in the back yard that we are going to be putting in. Leighton adores Uncle Josh, and loved the BIG tractor that Uncle Josh brought over. He started out just watching the tractor, but by the last few loads, he was up in the tractor pointing out where Uncle Josh should dump the dirt.

It was a fun evening had by all. After a much needed bath and a book or two, we got ready to pray, and as had become the routine Leighton repeated after me. As we got ready to say “Amen”, he said “Uncle Josh, BIG tractor”. I asked him if he wanted to thank God for Uncle Josh and the big tractor and he said “yes”. We added that into the last part of our prayer and then sang our usual songs and rocked and then I put a very tired little boy down to bed.

As I gently closed the door and walked back down stairs my heart began to think about what a BIG God we serve, and how we can go to Him with the little things and the little thanks at any moment of any day. I pray that as Leighton grows older that praying becomes a part of his each and every day, and He not only prays but knows on a personal level our Heavenly Father, who knows each and every part of us, will guide and direct each of our steps, will be our comfort and peace in the hard times, and blesses our days, sometimes with Uncle Josh and BIG tractors, and sometimes with just little reminders of who He is.

Discovery

            I stand in awe sometimes at how quick the little guy grows up. It was just two years ago that he arrived a little early with some trouble breathing and ended up with multiple tubes poking out of him, and then tonight he decided that he was big enough to put on his own PJs. Granted he needed a little help, as his first attempted had him trying to put the bottoms on as a shirt, but once he got over that stage he actually did fairly well.

            I remember when I had to take his preemie clothes out and put the newborn and 0-3 month clothes in his drawer. He was over a month old and I remember him wrapped up next to me and me telling him “now don’t grow up too fast”. And actually it hasn’t felt too fast. I remember thinking that I wanted him to stay small and snuggly forever, but at each new stage and each new milestone I am amazed and thankful that I have been there to witness it. And I have loved each new stage and the discoveries and newness that each holds. It has given me the opportunity to see life again for the first time. I remember the first time his little eyes focused on the toy that we attached to his car seat. He stared at it in absolute amazement like it was the most amazing thing in the world. I wanted to tell him “just wait until you see waterfalls and rainbows and stand on the top of a mountain range and look out, that stuffed mini lion will seem like nothing.” It made me realize how much I take for granted each and every day. This summer watching him find grasshoppers and frogs and butterflies has been so much fun. We laid on the grass yesterday morning and watched the clouds float by. It is truly an amazing world we live in, and there is so much to learn and discover in it. But even more than that, the Father who created it all is beyond words or explanation.

            None of us know how long we will walk this earth, it is something that I am reminded of each day at work. Sometimes it something quick and violent like a car accident or gunshot wound, other times its something that lingers for awhile like heart disease or cancer. Some of it is due to choices that we make, other times by choices others make and sometimes there is not an answer. It would be easy to grow cold and hard towards the tragedy that I see day in and day out, but then I would also miss out on the simple joys of discovery with my little guy. And I know that as he grows and experiences the pain that this life also brings, whether it’s a friend’s betrayal, a health issue, or something else, his little heart will begin to grow cold too. And so I pray that his heart would remain soft for as long as possible and he would seek to learn and discover this great planet that the Father created, and ultimately the Father Himself. I also pray that along the way, when the coldness and hardness start to build that he would have someone or something there to remind him about the simple things in life and the true joy in that.

Hiking Day

I mentioned that I loved hiking. I love getting away from everything, seeing the Creator’s beauty and handiwork, and feeling tired and sore after a good long hike. Being in residency I’ve had few opportunities to hike given the crazy hours and exhaustion, but today on my day off I did a great hike with my husband and 2 year old son.

We went to Fern Lake in Rocky Mountain National Park. The weather couldn’t have been nicer, and with all the rain that we have gotten recently everything was green and gorgeous. The little guy was quite happy to ride in the backpack. There were flowers everywhere, and the river was very full and at times overflowing.

We actually made it all the way to the top (3.8 miles one way) and enjoyed a great lunch and time exploring the lake and watching the fish from the shore. On the way down the little guy got a short nap in, and then decided that he was going to walk the last half mile. So stick in one hand and either mommy or daddy’s hand in the other we had a slow but successful last half mile for a total hike of 7.6 miles.

We are all tired tonight and a bit sore, but also refreshed. A good hike does that.

A new chapter

         It’s always a little intimidating when a new chapter in my life is about to begin.  Since I was 14 my life has been broken up into little four year chapters. There were the four years of high school, with its ups and downs which at the time seemed so big and so important, but looking back probably didn’t matter all that much in the big scheme of things (although you couldn’t tell me that when I was 16). It was during high school though that I chose Proverbs 3:5-6 as the verses that I would cling to. Little did I know what a path His direction would lead me.

          After high school I had the four years of college. I made amazing friends and had a blast, whether it was cooking marshmallows over our apartment stove and sleeping in a tent in the living room with my roomies, staying up all hours of the night talking and laughing, climbing trees for date night, running across campus in my PJs. It was during my first year of college that I took a leap of faith believing that He would really lead me and that He was calling me to be a Physician.

          The end of college brought another new chapter. I moved back to Colorado and began Medical School. This is where the path got very steep. I can’t even begin to count the hours spend reading, studying, learning, and memorizing. During this chapter though, I married my best friend who has been my biggest support along the way. Time and time again, I had to go back and remind myself to put my trust in Him and allow Him to lead and direct me. I remember standing on match day holding the envelope in my hands that would tell me where I would spend the next four year chapter of my life.

          And now I stand at the end of the residency chapter. It’s been an even steeper and more challenging road then I ever thought possible. I’ve worked more 80+ hour weeks, seen the sun rise out the ambulance bay window as I rushed by too many mornings to count. I started residency with an MD behind my name, and over the last four years that MD has become a part of me. I don’t know when it happened, was it the first medication that I wrote for (ibuprofen 600mg by mouth), or was it the first patient I pronounced (time of death, 1836)? Was it the first baby I delivered in the Emergency Room, or was it the first time that I had to tell the parents of a 12 week old that their little girl had died? Was it the first chest I helped crack and pump the heart by hand willing the young man back to life? Or was it when I was first a patient and it was my own newborn son who was critical and in the ICU with tubes and lines sticking out of everything? It was probably through all of that. As I fought extreme physical and emotional exhaustion, I went from trusting to just clinging and hanging on. And now that chapter has come to a close. On Saturday I’ll see my last patient, stamp my last chart, give my last signout and walk out of the Emergency Department that has been my home for the last four years. On Monday I’ll walk into a new Emergency Department and see a new set of patients.

          For the first time, this new chapter doesn’t have a time span. But I do know, that once again, there is One who will direct me each step of the way. I hope to use this to share and journal my thoughts, experiences, joys and adventures along the way.