Discovery

            I stand in awe sometimes at how quick the little guy grows up. It was just two years ago that he arrived a little early with some trouble breathing and ended up with multiple tubes poking out of him, and then tonight he decided that he was big enough to put on his own PJs. Granted he needed a little help, as his first attempted had him trying to put the bottoms on as a shirt, but once he got over that stage he actually did fairly well.

            I remember when I had to take his preemie clothes out and put the newborn and 0-3 month clothes in his drawer. He was over a month old and I remember him wrapped up next to me and me telling him “now don’t grow up too fast”. And actually it hasn’t felt too fast. I remember thinking that I wanted him to stay small and snuggly forever, but at each new stage and each new milestone I am amazed and thankful that I have been there to witness it. And I have loved each new stage and the discoveries and newness that each holds. It has given me the opportunity to see life again for the first time. I remember the first time his little eyes focused on the toy that we attached to his car seat. He stared at it in absolute amazement like it was the most amazing thing in the world. I wanted to tell him “just wait until you see waterfalls and rainbows and stand on the top of a mountain range and look out, that stuffed mini lion will seem like nothing.” It made me realize how much I take for granted each and every day. This summer watching him find grasshoppers and frogs and butterflies has been so much fun. We laid on the grass yesterday morning and watched the clouds float by. It is truly an amazing world we live in, and there is so much to learn and discover in it. But even more than that, the Father who created it all is beyond words or explanation.

            None of us know how long we will walk this earth, it is something that I am reminded of each day at work. Sometimes it something quick and violent like a car accident or gunshot wound, other times its something that lingers for awhile like heart disease or cancer. Some of it is due to choices that we make, other times by choices others make and sometimes there is not an answer. It would be easy to grow cold and hard towards the tragedy that I see day in and day out, but then I would also miss out on the simple joys of discovery with my little guy. And I know that as he grows and experiences the pain that this life also brings, whether it’s a friend’s betrayal, a health issue, or something else, his little heart will begin to grow cold too. And so I pray that his heart would remain soft for as long as possible and he would seek to learn and discover this great planet that the Father created, and ultimately the Father Himself. I also pray that along the way, when the coldness and hardness start to build that he would have someone or something there to remind him about the simple things in life and the true joy in that.

Hiking Day

I mentioned that I loved hiking. I love getting away from everything, seeing the Creator’s beauty and handiwork, and feeling tired and sore after a good long hike. Being in residency I’ve had few opportunities to hike given the crazy hours and exhaustion, but today on my day off I did a great hike with my husband and 2 year old son.

We went to Fern Lake in Rocky Mountain National Park. The weather couldn’t have been nicer, and with all the rain that we have gotten recently everything was green and gorgeous. The little guy was quite happy to ride in the backpack. There were flowers everywhere, and the river was very full and at times overflowing.

We actually made it all the way to the top (3.8 miles one way) and enjoyed a great lunch and time exploring the lake and watching the fish from the shore. On the way down the little guy got a short nap in, and then decided that he was going to walk the last half mile. So stick in one hand and either mommy or daddy’s hand in the other we had a slow but successful last half mile for a total hike of 7.6 miles.

We are all tired tonight and a bit sore, but also refreshed. A good hike does that.

A new chapter

         It’s always a little intimidating when a new chapter in my life is about to begin.  Since I was 14 my life has been broken up into little four year chapters. There were the four years of high school, with its ups and downs which at the time seemed so big and so important, but looking back probably didn’t matter all that much in the big scheme of things (although you couldn’t tell me that when I was 16). It was during high school though that I chose Proverbs 3:5-6 as the verses that I would cling to. Little did I know what a path His direction would lead me.

          After high school I had the four years of college. I made amazing friends and had a blast, whether it was cooking marshmallows over our apartment stove and sleeping in a tent in the living room with my roomies, staying up all hours of the night talking and laughing, climbing trees for date night, running across campus in my PJs. It was during my first year of college that I took a leap of faith believing that He would really lead me and that He was calling me to be a Physician.

          The end of college brought another new chapter. I moved back to Colorado and began Medical School. This is where the path got very steep. I can’t even begin to count the hours spend reading, studying, learning, and memorizing. During this chapter though, I married my best friend who has been my biggest support along the way. Time and time again, I had to go back and remind myself to put my trust in Him and allow Him to lead and direct me. I remember standing on match day holding the envelope in my hands that would tell me where I would spend the next four year chapter of my life.

          And now I stand at the end of the residency chapter. It’s been an even steeper and more challenging road then I ever thought possible. I’ve worked more 80+ hour weeks, seen the sun rise out the ambulance bay window as I rushed by too many mornings to count. I started residency with an MD behind my name, and over the last four years that MD has become a part of me. I don’t know when it happened, was it the first medication that I wrote for (ibuprofen 600mg by mouth), or was it the first patient I pronounced (time of death, 1836)? Was it the first baby I delivered in the Emergency Room, or was it the first time that I had to tell the parents of a 12 week old that their little girl had died? Was it the first chest I helped crack and pump the heart by hand willing the young man back to life? Or was it when I was first a patient and it was my own newborn son who was critical and in the ICU with tubes and lines sticking out of everything? It was probably through all of that. As I fought extreme physical and emotional exhaustion, I went from trusting to just clinging and hanging on. And now that chapter has come to a close. On Saturday I’ll see my last patient, stamp my last chart, give my last signout and walk out of the Emergency Department that has been my home for the last four years. On Monday I’ll walk into a new Emergency Department and see a new set of patients.

          For the first time, this new chapter doesn’t have a time span. But I do know, that once again, there is One who will direct me each step of the way. I hope to use this to share and journal my thoughts, experiences, joys and adventures along the way.